Can You Fellowship or Be Married to Someone in a Different "Church of God?"

Why do so many marriages, families and friendships break up when their church leaders split and they end up in different Churches of God? Do good marriages and good family and friend relationships depend on conversion? Many good marriages have lasted a lifetime in which neither partner was "converted." There are many wonderful husbands who are not religious. There are many fine wives who have not dedicated their lives to Christ.

Why do marriages where one person is converted and the other is not, usually last longer than when both are "converted" and decide to join different branches of the Church of God?

Why do these marriages and families so often fall apart? Why is it that when one or the other changes their church affiliation within the Churches of God, they won't even speak to one another?

There are several factors at work: 1) low self-esteem, 2) the competitive versus the team attitude, 3) the inability to compromise, and 4) being disrespectful of one another's boundaries.

False Assumptions Lead to Broken Marriages

Why do two "converted" people quit their marriage when they disagree about which church or which minister they will follow? Several false assumptions (FA) may lie at the heart of the matter.

False Assumption #1) "All we need is the truth in common to have a happy marriage." This false assumption forgets the many different values people hold outside of religion. It also ignores the factor of temperament. In addition there are the issues of each other's background and the ability to get along with each other's families. Remember that when you marry a person, you also marry into their family.

False Assumption #2) "One Flesh means that we must think alike on everything." People with this assumption often see their mate as bad or the marriage as failing when they come to different opinions on a matter. Once two people get married they quickly learn that they need to cooperate to live peacefully together. Two people don't have to always think alike on everything to be married. Obviously they think alike on many things or they would not have made it to the altar of marriage.

False Assumption #3) "The man must rule his wife." The Bible does NOT say this. The closest it comes is in I Timothy 3:4 when talking of potential deacons or elders who must have their children in subjection and who must "rule" their households. But the word "rule" is from the Greek word "proistemi" and means "'to stand before' hence 'to lead, attend to' (indicating care and diligence)" [Vine's Expository Dictionary]. The same word is also translated "to maintain." A better translation would be "to manage." But, if one believes that to rule means that s/he can force opinions on the other, it will surely lead to division.

How do you manage others? Do you use power or influence? There is a difference between using power to control and using your influence and personal skills to persuade someone to cooperate. Power doesn't convince others of your way, it forces them to go along, often against their will.

False Assumption #4) "Disagreement means disrespect." Just because you disagree with your spouse does not mean that you disrespect him or her. You respect someone's character. You can be loyal to your spouse without always being in total agreement on everything.

False Assumption #5) I call it "majoring in the minors" or a failure to unite on higher issues. Many couples ignore the great areas where they are in agreement and continually argue about the few areas on which they disagree. Find common areas of agreement and put emphasis on them.

False Assumption #6) Competitive versus a team attitude. This attitude leads to each spouse trying to get the best of the other. "My church is better than your church." Be together on areas of agreement. Remember that if one mate wins and the other loses, the team of the marriage loses. When a couple is NOT working as a team they have a hard time supporting and complementing one another. It is important to be able to find the good in each other.

The common denominator in a competitive relationship is low self esteem. When people have low self-esteem they insist that their mate see everything exactly as they do. They have little tolerance for different opinions because it often leaves them with the nagging thought that they just might not be right. The person with low self esteem will often distance themselves from the person who disagrees, and get closer to others who agree.

There are even bigger factors that cause marital breakup.

1) The inability to compromise or negotiate. God was willing to negotiate with Abraham. Remember, in Genesis 18, when Abraham asked if God would destroy Sodom if there were 50 righteous there. Then Abraham asked about 45, then 40, then 30, 20 and finally 10! God was not offended and did NOT harden his position and say, "You heard me. I said I would not destroy it for 45, don't ask again!" God was willing to negotiate! People need to learn to give and to take. Marriage is an endless life-long series of compromises.

2) No respect for the other's person or boundaries. Our decisions, opinions, beliefs, views, values are a part of our boundaries. While I may not "agree" with your opinions, I have respect for them. Agreement does not equal respect. I may respect your right to your opinions and your views but still not agree with them.

Many people feel they need to be right. They play a religious chess game, trying to trick others and win with scriptures. They put others down, to try to make themselves seem better?

We need to be open-minded not closed-minded toward others. A closed mind sees things only two ways: (1) I agree with you therefore I like you, or (2) I disagree with you therefore I don't like you. On the other hand an open-minded person can see things two more ways: (1) I agree with you but I don't like you, or (2) I disagree with you but I really like you.

Recently there was a report about China and India -- two of the world's most populous nations, both totalitarian, but with different success stories. China had a closed system with people who were open-minded. They made great progress. India had an open democratic system but its people were closed-minded. With their various religious sects they couldn't agree or cooperate toward progress. Thus they continue to lag behind.

3) The idea that there is only ONE true church organization and if one does not belong to it, one is bad, deceived, rebellious or wrong. The couple forgets the admonitions of Ephesians 4.

Remember Paul's exhortations toward unity. We need to strive to preserve the unity of the faith by walking in a "manner worthy of the calling with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love" (Eph. 4:1-2 NAS).

There is a fallacy among many corporate churches that says, "Our corporate church is the entirety of the Church, the Body of Christ." When people believe this they turn from anyone who is not a member of their incorporated church.

Paul emphatically states that there is only ONE body and ONE Spirit. In reality there can only be one body because there is only the ONE SPIRIT. Remember that it is by the one Spirit that we are all baptized into the one body (I Cor. 12:13). There is only one hope because there is only one Lord. There is only one faith and one baptism because there is only one God and Father of all who is "over all and through all and in all" (Eph. 4:6 NAS).

The great BODY of Christ, the Church, cannot be captured or incorporated. It cannot be limited to a computerized list of names. It is not a physical organization but a spiritual organism!

Remember there is just ONE body, ONE Lord, ONE Spirit, ONE Faith, ONE hope and ONE God and Father over all. That's why we pray, "OUR Father..."

4) Each partner in the marriage may be overly dogmatic and tending to see everything in two values: black/white, good/bad, right/wrong, true/false.

They fail to realize that God makes many exceptions even in prophecy. God shows that He does not always act or think in absolutes. In Jeremiah 18 we read, "At one moment I might speak concerning a nation or concerning a kingdom to uproot, to pull down, or to destroy it, if that nation against which I have spoken turns from its evil, I will relent (repent) concerning the calamity I planned to bring on it" (verse 7, NAS).

This also holds true for an individual. See Ezekiel 33:13. God tell us, "When I say to the righteous he will surely live, and he so trusts in his righteousness that he commits iniquity, none of his righteous deeds will be remembered; but in that same iniquity of his which he has committed he will die. But when I say to the wicked, You will surely die, and he turns from his sin and practices justice and righteousness, if a wicked man restores a pledge, pays back what he has taken by robbery, walks by the statutes which ensure life without committing iniquity, he will surely live; he shall not die. None of his sins that he has committed will be remembered against him, He has practiced justice and righteousness; he will surely live."

So when a nation changes, God changes and when a person changes, God changes.

When God gives a prophecy, it is not absolute! It is conditioned upon what man does.

There are exceptions--not all things are black or white.

Learning Exceptions

What are we to learn from keeping the Sabbath? Luke 13:10 relates Christ being in the Synagogue. He healed a woman on the Sabbath, and the leader of the Synagogue addressed the crowd telling them there are six days in the week to do work. In verse 15 Christ said, "You hypocrites, does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the stall, and lead him away to water him? And this woman, a daughter of Abraham as she is, whom Satan has bound for eighteen long years, should she not have been released from this bond on the Sabbath day?"

Here is another example of healing on the Sabbath. Luke 14:1-5 Christ went into the house of a leader of the Pharisees to eat. There was a man there who had dropsy. Christ asked the leaders if it was lawful to heal on the Sabbath. They kept silent and he healed the man. Christ asked the people there, "Which one of you shall have a ass or an ox fall into a well, and will not immediately pull him out on a Sabbath day?" Once again they didn't answer him. They had exceptions to their own rules on the Sabbath. They were stricter with humans than animals.

Christ said in Mark 2:27, "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath."

Man needs to be able to learn to understand exceptions. If any people should understand exceptions, it should be those who observe the Sabbath. It is the exception commandment. Jesus showed more exceptions for the 4th commandment than all the rest put together. The Pharisees were judgmental because they could not see exceptions for any one else except themselves! People who say they can't see exceptions almost always make an exception for themselves!

Christ warned the scribes and Pharisees in Matt. 23:23 "...and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness...." In verse 27, "For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones, and all uncleanness."

A person can be technically correct but very wrong. Christ told the Pharisees in Matt. 21:31, "Truly I say to you that the tax- gatherers and harlots will get into the kingdom of God before you."

God's Ways Versus Man's Ways, a Look at Disagreements in the Bible

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts..." (Isa. 55:8 NAS).

Paul and Barnabas had a severe falling out over traveling with John Mark (Acts 15:36-41). The disagreement was so strong that they parted and went on different journeys to preach the gospel. At this time Paul did not want to take Barnabas' cousin, Mark, because he had left his duties on an earlier trip.

Can two people walk together if they don't agree on everything? What does the Bible mean by this statement? It is referring to the way we are walking, the pathway, the fundamental course of our lives. It is not referring to the fact that we may disagree on which is the best car for the money or which apartment to rent! Here's a little poem that illustrates this point. "My sister, Mary, and I fell out. And what do you think it was all about? Well she liked coffee and I liked tea. And that was the reason we couldn't agree."

Years later Paul changed his mind and Mark became one of his most valuable helpers (2 Tim. 4:11). Mark came back from a failure to become a success. Paul was big enough to say Mark was one of his men. This was a compliment to Paul. Many people can't forgive someone else. Paul had an open mind.

After Paul had confronted Peter to his face in front of a number of brethren and ministers, Peter did not hold a grudge. Rather he showed his respect for Paul in his second epistle (2 Pet. 3:15).

Romans 14:1 exhorts us to receive a brother who is weak in the faith but "not to doubtful disputations" (KJV). Other translations make this plainer: "...but not for (the purpose of) passing judgment on his opinions" (NAS); "...without passing judgment on his disputable matters" (NIV). Paul is telling the member not to receive someone in the faith for the purpose of making judgments on his beliefs or opinions. People too often opt for strife rather than peace. And trying to question people about their beliefs for the sole purpose of arguing with them does not make for peace in the church or in your family.

The Bible condemns "strife" (Gk = "eris" which is translated "strife," "debate," "variance" and "contentions"). This action is one of the works of the flesh identified in Galatians 5:20. Titus was exhorted to "shun foolish controversies and genealogies and strife and disputes about the Law; they are unprofitable and worthless:" (NAS). Strife is the opposite of the peace which should be among brethren. Titus 3:9 says, "But shun foolish controversies and genealogies and strife and disputes about the law; for they are unprofitable and worthless."

Strife tears up a church--it creates factions. It does the same thing in a marriage or family. The Churches of God have been filled with strife.

You know there were many different religious sects in Christ's day. He didn't ridicule the various groups. He also didn't lament or agonize over the sectarianism of his day. He was upset when they left the law of God for their own tradition. But He was not upset that Judaism had broken into various sects and denominations. Jesus just seemed to accept divisions in Judaism as a fact.

Paul said, "...Timothy...will remind you of my ways which are in Christ, just as I teach everywhere in every church" (I Cor.4:17 NAS). Paul had his ways which were "in Christ." Is it possible that Peter had his ways that were also "in Christ"?? What about Barnabas? James? Matthew? John?

There are lots of "ways" under the leading of Jesus Christ. Many brethren have been offended under different ministers when they saw them doing things differently. They didn't know that each could still be "in Christ."

Too many people break off relations with others when they change churches (even Churches of God) because of the need to be right and to make the other person wrong.

They fail to unite on the love of God. I like this poem. "He drew a circle to keep me out, a lousy dirty thing to flout, but love and I had the wit to win, we drew a larger circle to take him in."

The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make them your friend.

Remember to allow others to change and do not be surprised when they do. When you disagree with someone else, always respect that person, regardless of their position. If husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, parents and children can do this, they won't be so divided.